Hyperactive Hair...

Ut-oh...
I see you there, in the shadow on the bathroom stall wall. Sticking up off the top of my head like a cockatiel's crest. 

My Hair.

oh my.

Look in the mirror and just burst into laughter.  I accept. But it is still funny.  This crazy ass hair that won't sit down... maybe my hair has ADHD.  Perhaps it needs more exercise and less sugar.  All I know is that it WILL NOT BEHAVE.

I have tried gel, brushing when wet, not brushing when wet, scrunching, blow drying (this was a big YIKES!!) resorted to scarves, hats, hairbands.  It is officially out of control.

I know now why I have always enjoyed my long hair- it was so much more manageable.  If it started acting up, a brush and a pony tail holder were all I needed to whip it into submission.  It was like having a good, old dog that understands how things work- we don't bark at everyone and everything, we don't jump up on people (especially sleeping people...), we don't beg at the table, we come when called.  This new hair, this short, curly wild hair, is like having a puppy- no manners and everywhere at once.

If only my hair was this cute...

I suppose, like a puppy, this hair will grow up and settle down.  The problem is this: we tolerate puppies' crazy behavior because they are so cute.  My hair? not so much.  I guess I will just have to tolerate it because it is attached to my head.

The Journey

Do you see the upside down heart?  My sweet cousin Lisa pointed it out to me!

It was about this time last year that I started my journey with breast cancer. I could no longer ignore the lump I kept feeling in my right breast.  Could no longer push it off as swelling associated with my period or maybe a bump or bruise.  I went to my doctor, assuming I would get the exams, tests, etc. and be told- “oh, it is just a little, benign mass.  You have nothing to worry about.”  Of course, that is not what I heard.  I heard the dreaded words carcinoma and invasive.

You can read about my experience here: The Saga, The Saga Part 2, and Chemo Sucks

I am thinking about it now, not necessarily because of the anniversary, but because another one of my friends has recently been diagnosed.  She started her chemotherapy this week.  And then the clerk at the local convenience store,  who is also a friend and knows my story, told me that one of her customers had also just been diagnosed and did I know of a support group.  “I don’t know of a support group, but I am willing to be a support, here is my phone number, please share it with her.”

When I was first diagnosed, I was amazed at the number of women (that I knew-personally) that told me that they had either had or were very close to someone who had breast cancer.  The press calls breast cancer an epidemic.  Hearing that and knowing that are two different things.  An epidemic seems impersonal.  and "over there" not raging through my small town community.

In light of this epidemic, here are some things that I have learned on my journey.

Blame is useless.

I have blamed myself for my cancer.  I must have done/ not done, eaten/ not eaten, drunk/not drunk something wrong. 

I have blamed my environment. I must have been exposed to, involuntarily ingested, breathed in some toxin.

I have blamed my genetic makeup.

In the end, it doesn’t matter.  Whatever made the cancer grow, made it grow.  That revelation doesn’t mean that I will throw up my hands and just do whatever I want now- I will continue to eat a healthy diet, keep my weight down, keep my alcohol consumption under control.  What it means is that life is a crap shoot.  We try as hard as we can, do our best and “bad” things can still happen.

Pain is pain.  And pain is universal.

Although I am supremely grateful for the ease of my treatment and the quick return of good health, I still struggle with what this disease has stolen from me.  It stole my unwavering belief in my strong healthy body.  It stole my complacence that death is far away and abstract.  It stole my shaky, yet emerging, sense of confidence in my physical appearance. 

Most literally, most immediately, it stole my breasts and my hair. My hair is returning, slowly, slowly.  Currently I am stuck as the 1980’s version of Pat Benatar, but boobless and not as badass.  It’s hard, although not as hard as the 2 weeks ago Mon Chi Chi look. 

 

Mon chi chi, Mon chi chi...

 It whittles away at my self esteem, which is already sort of a meringue and toothpick sort of affair.  It makes me face up to how vain I am and have always been.  I didn’t feel vain, but the Universe apparently felt I was and sought to help straighten that out. 

My boobs. My boobs are gone and they ain’t coming back.  I am okay with it. and I’m not.  It depends on the day minute.  Physically it feels fine.  When I am walking around, I feel thin and strong- powerful even.  If only mirrors could reflect back how we feel instead of what we actually look like…

So here I am. Struggling.  Struggling and feeling small about it.  Is it really appropriate for me to struggle with my outward appearance when I could have died?  Can I really feel “less than” and boyish and not good enough when I kicked cancer ass last year?

Apparently, the answer to all those questions is yes.

It is uncomfortable for me to write about this and share that my armor of self-confidence and good spirits and happy-happy may have a pretty big chink in it.  But I am doing it.  I am doing it because it is okay.  And it is important to share that it is okay.

We all walk around with our game face on.  Showing that we are invincible.  Taking life’s knocks and keeping a smile.  I applaud this- it is important not to fold up and blow away with every little ripple. 

Equally important, and I am just beginning to fully realize this, is to recognize that sometimes you need to embrace your frailty.  And that there is no reason to try and quantify that frailty, if that were even possible.  Pain is pain, ours is not to judge, but to be kind and learn.  To hold ourselves, as we would our lover or our child, and let ourselves hurt. 

Because ultimately, it will be okay and the sun will shine again.

Be well my blog readers.  I hope that your sun is shining this week!

Angst

My friend Anna, who is uber-awesome, is writing a poem a day as her 2014 challenge.  That is 365 poems, for any of my numerically challenged readers, and that is a shit-pile of poems.  Here is the link to her blog, in case you are a poemaholic. Ingenious Torture (cool name, no?)

I am not a poemaholic and I have confessed to dear Anna that I prefer her prose on each blog post to her poems.  That does not mean her poetry is bad or that poetry in anyway is inferior to prose, my mind just works better in straight lines. No jazz, no abstract paintings, no chaotic juxtaposition of words or images for this linear, science brain.  It may be why I love weaving with its straight, logical sequence of events.

This?  YES

This? Not so much. (Rod Seeley)

This logical, sequential way of experiencing the world definitely has its advantages- project follow through, detail oriented task mongering, solving math problems...  it does, however, have its drawbacks- free flowing creativity is not my strong suit, I don't get to hang out in dark, smoke-filled rooms talking philosophy with beautiful, long haired, flowing shirt beatniks because jazz music makes my head want to explode.  All in all, having a linear brain is not nearly as cool as having a poem brain... although, I do appreciate my way of being and tax time doesn't really stress me out, so that's a bonus.  It also means, however, that I have to strike while the iron is hot- if I get an inspiration, I need to go with it immediately or it gets left in the stream- BACK THERE.

I had not intended to write about my linear way of being, I intended to write about angst (thus the title).  The idea came to me from reading Anna's poem Incantation - well, let's be honest, from reading her prose surrounding the poem.  So to come full circle (which is still linear, if you go slow enough) here are my thoughts about her thoughts.

 Anna writes about stress.  How ubiquitous it is and how we use that word to describe every feeling we have that we don't like.  I agree.  And I love her description of our students' relationship with it.  She  discusses how stress evolved to keep our bodies safe, but has turned on us in modern life and started attacking us, much like a feral dog that bites you because you have trapped it in a corner.  I believe we have trapped our stress response in a figurative corner and this is causing a lot of modern day issues, health and mental.  One most pressing and obvious- Angst.

Angst- (From the online version of the Merriam Webster dictionary): a strong feeling of being worried or nervous : a feeling of anxiety about your life or situation.

Anna's musings about stress made me think about angst.  Anxiety.  Worry, nerves, fear. My husband and I have ongoing discussions about this.  It seems to be an ever increasing issue.  Not so much for us.  I mean we have the regular worries about money, our animals, our health, but nothing overwhelming.  Nothing that stops our lives.  Yet, we hear others talking about this debilitating level of anxiousness. About having to take medication for anxiety.  While I have no problem with people taking the medication they need to live their lives to the fullest, I do wonder where all this anxiety is coming from.

I blame modern society.

OH! that is a broad, sweeping accusation, is it not?  But look at it this way: our nervous system evolved to deal with a certain amount of struggle (avoiding saber-toothed tigers and finding food and shelter).  We are chemically primed for fight or flight.  What happens to those chemicals when your biggest daily struggle is picking out which shoes to wear?  They are still there, ready to do their job, but without real, physical struggle all they manifest is worry and anxiety. 

If one had to spend all day physically working to get fuel for a fire, meat to cook, hauling water (you get the picture) one would not have a lot of energy left to worry about, let's say... whether your mother in law thinks you keep the house clean enough.  Which causes you stress, which causes your body to secrete the fight or flight chemicals which you can't really use, because honestly you can't out run or fight a thought.  Now you have this chemical storm going on and no real resolution (if you were trying to out run that tiger, you either would or you would get eaten.  Either way- situation resolved.  With thoughts, not so much.)

Modern society has made our lives so ultra convenient that instead of burning up physical energy doing something productive and useful, instead of building confidence and strength with struggle, we are left watching TV and worrying whether our electronic device is as good as the one in the commercial.

What's the solution?  Obviously, physical struggle.  And I am not joking about that.  I feel pretty well grounded, grateful, mostly balanced, happy.  I believe that is because I work hard, physically, when I am able.  I tote hay and water, shovel shit, dig in the dirt, ride horses - all these sorts of primitive things. Because the reward is in the struggle.

Sweat is good!

I believe if, as a society, we moved back towards doing things with our hands and bodies, as much as we are able, a lot of the angst would fade away.  We could un-corner our stress, let the feral dog run free.  Use our stress hormones to produce something useful, instead of slowly killing us.

I dare you to try it.  When you are feeling stressed or anxious do something physical- walk around the block, jump rope, wrestle with your dog (or kid if you have one), dance till you are gasping.  Do enough physical activity to make you tired, panting for breath tired, and see what happens with your anxiety.  I bet that saber-toothed tiger can't catch you.

Can you dig it?

My beautiful tri-color potatoes!

What is it about canning jars that makes them so beautiful?

 Guess what we did last Sunday?

That's right, me and two of my favorite gal pals canned!  It was super fun.  Anyone who knows me knows that it is just next to impossible to keep me inside when the weather is nice.  Add in the word "kitchen" and I am definitely AWOL... So you know it takes some fun friends to keep me by the stove top on one of the last of the nice fall days!

Lisa and me "stirrin' the pot"

Jamie, Lisa and I spent the day cooking and canning salsa and potatoes.  I have only one photo of Jamie, as she moves pretty quickly and absconded with the photo taking device early on in the proceedings.

There's Jamie! Moving so fast her hair is in a twirl!

Lisa brought her salsa ingredients chopped and ready to go.  I had big plans to make salsa too, but when I went to harvest the last of my tomatoes in the little greenhouse... well let's just say that not looking at them for a week in hopes that the frost hadn't frozen them is not really an effective strategy.  Think cheap, thin plastic bag filled with water- that was the consistency of my enormous, yet inedible tomato beauties :(

Lisa needed a couple more cups of peppers for her salsa, so she started cutting up some freebies I had gotten at work.  She even tasted them and said they were not hot at all.  She gave me a little piece and Holy Smacks!  I had to spit it out.  I thought they were anchos, but apparently they were jalapenos!
um... yeah, I didn't take the finished jar of salsa that was generously offered (I have zero tolerance for hot stuff!)

Here are some beautiful photos of the salsa!!

Hot stuff baby, woo hoo...

Pretty pretty!!

One thing I have to tell you is you must be very careful when working around boiling water and hot canning jars.

Notice my rapt attention on the boiling hot jar...

Lisa is a little more careful here, filling the jars!

Jamie spent the morning scrubbing and peeling the potatoes from my garden.(Thank you Jamie- you're the bomb!) 

I love canning potatoes (you MUST pressure can them!).  Well, I don't know if I love the canning part, but I love having ready to heat and eat potatoes for the rest of the year!

Here they are all scrubbed up and the scabby ones peeled, ready to be chopped into chunks.

 

Here I am sporting my cute new apron that my sister got me for my birthday!

Into the pressure cooker with you!

And just a short 3 hours later...

Just to clarify, the taters don't get pressure canned for 3 hours, but you have to:

1. scrub, peel, chunk them (Only the scabby ones got peeled, the rest got to retain their beautiful unblemished skins)
2. Par boil them for about 2 minutes (which really means about twenty minutes from the time you drop those babies in a water filled pot and turn the burner on)
3. pack the jars with parboiled potatoes
4. remember that you were supposed to boil water to pour over them
5. boil water
6. ladle boiling water over the potatoes in the jars
7. realize that you didn't put enough lids in the heating water
8. put lids (mostly heated up) and rings on
9. remember that you should have turned up the heat on the pressure cooker burner
10. put the jars in, lock the lid down, realize you will have to spin the whole pot around so that you can read the gauge
11. wait for the water to boil inside the sealed cooker (steam has to escape through the little valve for 10 minutes before you seal it)
12. Remember that you never turned the heat up
13. Turn up the heat
14. Frantically run around trying to remember where you put the weight that seals the cooker steam valve (amazingly, it is in the box with all the canning stuff in a bag labeled: Pressure Cooker Regulator)
15. Drop the regulator on the steam valve and wait for it to build to 12 pounds (this takes way longer than you would imagine...)
16. Freak out a little because you forgot that the plug thing on the front is supposed to pop up- it is not the emergency pressure relief valve.
17. Fiddle with the temperature control knob trying to keep it at 12 pounds for then next 40 minutes.
18. Move it off the burner to cool, so you can get the lid off without an explosion (I don't remember exactly, but it seemed like an hour)
19. Repeat from step 3 for the next batch...

EAT PIZZA!

 We had chocolate cake too, but apparently we were too busy eating it to photograph it!!

All in all a very productive day and big thanks to Jamie and Lisa for coming over to make it happen.  I will think of you every time we eat potatoes this year! (well, I'm sure I will think of you all at other times too, but you know what I mean!)

Okay, it's gone

Yay!  the snow is mostly gone and green grass is peeking out everywhere.  In addition to the formerly crabby robins, I have now seen the bluebirds and swallows darting about.

And we have had gloriously sunny and dry days.

We took a trip back to Maryland to visit Brian's family.  We even got dressed up and went to a fancy event!

Yes, I do have high heels on...

 We had a good time, but I was ready to come back to the ranch.  It is very busy and hustly bustly back there...

In celebration of Spring (and in anticipation of our upcoming horse trip to Wyoming) we had our favorite veterinarian, Dr. Mike, come out.

Here is my good boy getting his teeth floated!

He took blood samples for running the Coggins test on everyone, gave vaccines and "floated" my horse's teeth.  In case you are unfamiliar with this procedure- the vet gives the horse a sedative and then takes this enormous rasp, called a dental float, and files off the sharp points.  Cheyenne is sooooo much happier with his new, not sharp teeth!  Dr. Mike uses a hand float, not an electric one, although I have just recently seen that in use at the horse clinic in Sandpoint, ID.

Here's some more action shots:

Don't I look more comfy in my Bogs and jeans?

As you can see, the snow is mostly gone!

Everybody is shedding out their winter coats right now. Hair is flying everywhere!














Hopefully we will get some riding in this weekend!







Of course, there are still sheep to be shorn, fences to repair, a checkbook that needs balancing and don't even talk to me about house work!  It is becoming the time of year that house work is more easily ignored (as if I am totally into it at other times... not.so.much.)

I hope all of you are enjoying your Springtime-  I know I can't wait for the warm, dry days of summer!!!

Springing Forth?

Does this look like Spring?

Here it is, March 23rd...  two nights ago we got about 6 inches of snow (a real 6 inches, not like when someone spreads their hands apart about 3 inches and says 3 feet) and then this morning about another inch.

Me: Did you get the memo?

Mother Nature: What memo?

Me: That Spring started March 20th this year?

Mother Nature: Oh that memo!  Was that a 3/20? because I could of sworn that was an 8, not a 3...

Me: Sigh...

 This little guy got the memo.

It's a robin. If I could read Robin's mind, I would imagine something along the lines of "What the heck?"

 Lots of my little birds are back, the dark-eyed juncos, the red-shafted flickers, downy woodpecker.  They have been noisily complaining about the amount of snow and lack of bugs, seeds, etc. to peck at.  I apologize to them, but really what can I do?  I just keep filling their feeder so that they don't drop dead.

Anyway, I know it is unseasonably hot in a lot of places, but not. here. at. all.  Everyone is getting a little crabby.  It happens to me every year at this time.  A week of bad weather feels like a month, and when the sun peeks out everyone goes crazy- yelling and shouting "The sky is on fire!! The sky is on fire!!"  Luckily the rain clouds come quickly in to extinguish the blaze.

"Really? Snow? I told Martha it was too early to come back..."

 There is this little promise.

Peony.  Can you see it?

and soon, soon there will be this.

Early summer garden from a couple years ago.

So patience my crabby friends (avian and other!).  It will happen.  and until then we can trust in Elizabeth Bowen's words:

“Autumn arrives in early morning, but spring at the close of a winter day.”

Let's hope the winter day closes soon.  Like real soon...

Spun out!

Not really, but super excited with this new roving that I bought from Greenwood Fiberworks.

Colorway is Emily, the fiber is BFL

It's still pretty bulky, but at least I am getting more consistent!  My friend Jamie is busy learning a new knitting pattern so that she can knit me a scarf with it!! :) Thanks Jamie!

In other news...

The buffalo are getting bored with winter.  They keep venturing out to the gate between their winter pasture and their summer pasture and looking wistfully out (yes, buffalo can be wistful...)

You may have to click to enlarge this to actually see them, but they are there between the big tree and my snow shoe path!

Bruno (the bull) has pushed all three of his "play stumps" to the fence line.  Brian will have to go out with the sled and move them back to the trees.  Then Bruno can start his game over again.  They really are a riot.  I love to watch them do their work out, wherein they run laps and laps until their little tongues are hanging out.  Totally entertaining.

I am getting pretty bored with winter myself.  March is a tough time of year.  There are little spring teases, like a bright and warm day, robins, juncos and flickers darting about, but then alas it clouds over, gets windy and then storms (rain into snow).  Ho hum.  I keep seeing photos of people's first spring crocuses coming up... I have to keep telling myself: "soon, soon."

In the meantime, spring snow does reveal some interesting and beautiful things.

Sumi ink style snow sculpture.

Less impressive, but still interesting

Snow, grass stalks and sun. Natural beauty.

And I did have a perfect little snowflake land on my coat sleeve yesterday... (ok, I am reaching here- it is getting more and more difficult to appreciate the snow!)

One last question- (and a confession)- I am a stats junkie.  I look at the number of views of my blog daily.  And I don't get tons of traffic, but some people are looking.  My question is this: Why won't anyone comment?  A comment is like getting a surprise piece of chocolate (without the caloric guilt!)  So, if you know the answer, feel free to comment! (see how sneaky I am?)

Soap curing

Freed from their molds! I think the kitties are my favorite.

Yay! Last weekend I finally finished unmolding all the wonderful soap we made.  Now it will sit and cure for 4-6 weeks and then be ready for sudsy goodness.  Aren't they gorgeous?

Here's some more:

Horses and trees

Paw Prints! too cute.

When I first starting making soap, I always just cut bars- functional but not terribly exciting. Now that I have discovered the world of soap molds, I can barely contain myself.

Here are some with the lavender buds- unfortunately they did not react favorably with the soap making ingredients.  They turned kind of an icky brown...

Alright, yes, we did make bars too.

As you can see, the lavender buds did not stay the beautiful purple they started.  Calendula petals have always retained their color... interesting.

Table full of soapy goodness

So that is what ten pounds of homemade soap looks like.  I am sorely tempted to make another 10 pounds, just so I can use my new molds...

It is also good to have a Soap Guard Dog:

What's that?

NO, only mom can come up!

I have also been finishing some of my hand spun.  Here is a skein of Lorelei mixed with Greenwood Fiberworks' "Calypso".

Art Yarn!

Well enough with crafts, someone is hungry...

Come on already, mom. This soap guarding duty makes me hungry!!

Have a fantastic weekend!  Spring is inching our way...

My sister, the indoor green thumb wizard

Or is that Wizardess?

Either way, my sister is a genius when it comes to raising indoor flora.  For Christmas last year, we bought her one of those mushroom growing kits.  It comes in a brown cardboard box, with "mushroom compost that has already been prepared and inoculated with the white colored mushroom mycelium" and some pretty specific instructions.

I was hoping that it would work and she wouldn't just end up with a mushy wet cardboard box full of goo.  Well it did work and here is proof:

Mushrooms in a box!

Pretty amazing, isn't it?  While I have been unable to keep any type of houseplant alive (ever), here is my sister growing Gourmet Portabellas in a box.

She emailed me that photo yesterday.  I emailed back this message:

"Wow!  That is awesome.  I am so glad (and a little relieved) that it is working.  I was worried that it might be like those amaryllis bulbs that one can get for Christmas in a pretty pot.  Every time I have tried that what I end up with is a pretty pot with a rotten, moldy glob in it..."

So today she emailed me this photo in an email titled: Like this?

Amaryllis, not a rotten glob...

 Uh-huh.  She's a stinker all right.  It's a good thing that I love her.

P.S. If you are interested in trying to grow Mushrooms in a Box, here is the website where I ordered them: Mushroom Adventures 

and I do not know of  a place to get Amaryllis bulbs, so don't even ask.