Angst

My friend Anna, who is uber-awesome, is writing a poem a day as her 2014 challenge.  That is 365 poems, for any of my numerically challenged readers, and that is a shit-pile of poems.  Here is the link to her blog, in case you are a poemaholic. Ingenious Torture (cool name, no?)

I am not a poemaholic and I have confessed to dear Anna that I prefer her prose on each blog post to her poems.  That does not mean her poetry is bad or that poetry in anyway is inferior to prose, my mind just works better in straight lines. No jazz, no abstract paintings, no chaotic juxtaposition of words or images for this linear, science brain.  It may be why I love weaving with its straight, logical sequence of events.

This?  YES

This? Not so much. (Rod Seeley)

This logical, sequential way of experiencing the world definitely has its advantages- project follow through, detail oriented task mongering, solving math problems...  it does, however, have its drawbacks- free flowing creativity is not my strong suit, I don't get to hang out in dark, smoke-filled rooms talking philosophy with beautiful, long haired, flowing shirt beatniks because jazz music makes my head want to explode.  All in all, having a linear brain is not nearly as cool as having a poem brain... although, I do appreciate my way of being and tax time doesn't really stress me out, so that's a bonus.  It also means, however, that I have to strike while the iron is hot- if I get an inspiration, I need to go with it immediately or it gets left in the stream- BACK THERE.

I had not intended to write about my linear way of being, I intended to write about angst (thus the title).  The idea came to me from reading Anna's poem Incantation - well, let's be honest, from reading her prose surrounding the poem.  So to come full circle (which is still linear, if you go slow enough) here are my thoughts about her thoughts.

 Anna writes about stress.  How ubiquitous it is and how we use that word to describe every feeling we have that we don't like.  I agree.  And I love her description of our students' relationship with it.  She  discusses how stress evolved to keep our bodies safe, but has turned on us in modern life and started attacking us, much like a feral dog that bites you because you have trapped it in a corner.  I believe we have trapped our stress response in a figurative corner and this is causing a lot of modern day issues, health and mental.  One most pressing and obvious- Angst.

Angst- (From the online version of the Merriam Webster dictionary): a strong feeling of being worried or nervous : a feeling of anxiety about your life or situation.

Anna's musings about stress made me think about angst.  Anxiety.  Worry, nerves, fear. My husband and I have ongoing discussions about this.  It seems to be an ever increasing issue.  Not so much for us.  I mean we have the regular worries about money, our animals, our health, but nothing overwhelming.  Nothing that stops our lives.  Yet, we hear others talking about this debilitating level of anxiousness. About having to take medication for anxiety.  While I have no problem with people taking the medication they need to live their lives to the fullest, I do wonder where all this anxiety is coming from.

I blame modern society.

OH! that is a broad, sweeping accusation, is it not?  But look at it this way: our nervous system evolved to deal with a certain amount of struggle (avoiding saber-toothed tigers and finding food and shelter).  We are chemically primed for fight or flight.  What happens to those chemicals when your biggest daily struggle is picking out which shoes to wear?  They are still there, ready to do their job, but without real, physical struggle all they manifest is worry and anxiety. 

If one had to spend all day physically working to get fuel for a fire, meat to cook, hauling water (you get the picture) one would not have a lot of energy left to worry about, let's say... whether your mother in law thinks you keep the house clean enough.  Which causes you stress, which causes your body to secrete the fight or flight chemicals which you can't really use, because honestly you can't out run or fight a thought.  Now you have this chemical storm going on and no real resolution (if you were trying to out run that tiger, you either would or you would get eaten.  Either way- situation resolved.  With thoughts, not so much.)

Modern society has made our lives so ultra convenient that instead of burning up physical energy doing something productive and useful, instead of building confidence and strength with struggle, we are left watching TV and worrying whether our electronic device is as good as the one in the commercial.

What's the solution?  Obviously, physical struggle.  And I am not joking about that.  I feel pretty well grounded, grateful, mostly balanced, happy.  I believe that is because I work hard, physically, when I am able.  I tote hay and water, shovel shit, dig in the dirt, ride horses - all these sorts of primitive things. Because the reward is in the struggle.

Sweat is good!

I believe if, as a society, we moved back towards doing things with our hands and bodies, as much as we are able, a lot of the angst would fade away.  We could un-corner our stress, let the feral dog run free.  Use our stress hormones to produce something useful, instead of slowly killing us.

I dare you to try it.  When you are feeling stressed or anxious do something physical- walk around the block, jump rope, wrestle with your dog (or kid if you have one), dance till you are gasping.  Do enough physical activity to make you tired, panting for breath tired, and see what happens with your anxiety.  I bet that saber-toothed tiger can't catch you.

Magpie swims!

I got the toy!!!

This little cutie pie loves the water! She will even jump off the dock!  We go every evening after work to swim and play in the reservoir.  Her brother, Bear, loves to swim too.

Jumping off the "dock" before the dock was put in

Willow, not so much.

Oh my God! I think they splashed water up my nose!  MOOOOMMM!

And of course, their cool chariot.

1965 Ford Ranchero. Yeah, I know, it's cool.

This is what we do for fun in summer.  After we do this.

and this.

Yes, this is me riding my horse. With bald chemo head. You can't even tell with my hat on, I just look like a bad-ass cowgirl!

and this.

Which leads to this.

Magpie enjoying the big stack of loose hay in the barn.

We pack a lot into a day out here.  Good thing it doesn't get dark until 10 pm!!!

Chemo sucks...

There, I said it.  In fact I will say it again. Chemo sucks.  Sucks the life right out of you.

Now, don't think I am ungrateful.  I fully appreciate my blessings at having access to this modern miracle and insurance to pay for it and a body that is capable of (mostly) tolerating it. But at this point in treatment I feel like maybe I should have high-tailed it to that Mexican clinic and tried to cure this cancer with organic vegetable juices and coffee enemas.  It couldn't be as bad as this.

Don't worry, I also appreciate the fact that my tumor is dissolving much like an Alka Seltzer in a glass of water.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, Oh what a relief it is...

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but it is what I imagine is happening in there. Anyway, I won't be border-bound any time real soon.

So ultimately the big drawbacks with chemo are:

1. you lose your hair.  ok, not so much your leg hair, but hair on head? Yes. Bald chemo head, not exactly my best look. and I am oh so challenged with tying on scarves.  The big bonus is no shampoo, conditioner, de tangling, etc. Not entirely a fair trade.
2. the fatigue... oh my gosh. the fatigue is unbearable. I personally slept all night Monday, all day Tuesday and all night Tuesday. and guess what - I am soooooooo tired right now.
3. the nausea.  The anti-nausea drugs are great, I haven't barfed at all (sorry if that is too graphic), but I feel perpetually hung over (without the fun of the night before) and no food sounds yummy.
4. the time suck.  This is one I hadn't really thought about but since we live in the middle of beautiful nowhere, it takes us 3 hours to get to the treatment center. then another 3-4 hours there and then 3 hours home. A BIG DAY. 

Since there are drawbacks there must be some benefits, right?... um besides the obvious one of dissolving the tumor.  Let's see...

1. weight loss- a direct benefit of all food sounding and smelling gross.
2. scarves- everyone wants to get you a beautiful scarf- that is definitely fun!
3. um... at a loss for a number 3.

Anyway, I am happy to be 3/8 of the way through this part and it is making me look forward to the actual surgery (maybe that could be bennie number 3).

Hopefully, I will have something different than cancer and cancer treatment to talk about next time.  Maybe how Magpie jumps off the dock into the river all by herself!!!

The Saga

I hesitated whether to post about this…My posts are usually light-hearted accounts of life on the ranch.  This one, not so much.

Some of you may know and some of you may not know, but I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.

It sounds shocking, and it is really. I am young and healthy, I eat a fairly good diet, my life is mostly low-stress. Yes, I like to drink a few beers.  Yes, I love cheeseburgers, fries and chocolate shakes.  But seriously?  I see how other people live- they smoke, drink excessively, eat junk food as their staple diet… they don’t have cancer.  It doesn’t really seem fair. But then, I guess there were never any guarantees about fairness when I signed up for life on planet Earth.

So enough whining (for this moment anyway).  This is where it is.

Early this year, I felt a lump in my right breast.  Ever the optimist, I assumed a cyst or something benign like that.  I finally went to my doctor in March and she recommended a mammogram and an ultrasound.  Still unworried, I went to these appointments. My first twinge of concern came when the ultrasound showed this big, black tentacled monster thing in my boob.    

This is basically what I imagined was living in there:

 I Googled tentacled monster and this image came up.
Courtesy of http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs40/i/2009/048/5/0/Tentacled_Monster_by_zapperoni.jpg

This twinge was confirmed when the ultrasound doctor came in and was very concerned and caring.  The reason this freaked me out is because looking at him I could tell he was the “typical scientist”- not unfriendly or unkind, but business like and probably just a little reserved.   When you get concerned eye contact and arm patting from a scientist, it sets off some warning bells…

Next step: Needle biopsy.

I pride myself on not being scared of needles- I’m just not. I’ve donated blood, received injections, given injections, all stuff needle-related is no issue. So when they recommended a needle biopsy on the lump, I thought no big deal- I even told my husband “No reason for you to go, it will only take a few minutes and it’s just a needle for cripes’ sake.”

Famous. Last. Words.

What they failed to tell me is that the more correct term for the procedure I was getting is Core Biopsy.

Core Biopsy… inherently different from a needle.  Think ice-cores, treecores, even an apple corer and you can see the difference.  Well, I didn’t know any of this when I waltzed into the surgeon’s office all proud and brave.  Here is a photo of the device used to “harvest” 3 samples:

Celero breast biopsy device

I laid on my hands so that I wouldn’t slap the surgeon.

Yeah. So not a needle.  

 As Lou Reed aptly put it:

 “Then I guess she had to crash,

Valium would have helped that bash…

She said, "Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side"

Walk on the wild side indeed. They do give you a local anesthetic, but it really doesn't reach in to where this cutting dagger goes.  Let's just say I screamed bloody murder and then burst into uncontrollable tears.  and then they had to do it 2 more times...

After regaining my composure and drying my hysterical tears, I was able to walk out with my dignity and my boob mostly intact.

Take home lesson: 

NEVER go to a biopsy appointment without your support person.

Tomorrow I will post the subsequent scenarios, as this is a pretty long story!

Stay happy. Stay healthy. And check your boobs- seriously. 

Okay, it's gone

Yay!  the snow is mostly gone and green grass is peeking out everywhere.  In addition to the formerly crabby robins, I have now seen the bluebirds and swallows darting about.

And we have had gloriously sunny and dry days.

We took a trip back to Maryland to visit Brian's family.  We even got dressed up and went to a fancy event!

Yes, I do have high heels on...

 We had a good time, but I was ready to come back to the ranch.  It is very busy and hustly bustly back there...

In celebration of Spring (and in anticipation of our upcoming horse trip to Wyoming) we had our favorite veterinarian, Dr. Mike, come out.

Here is my good boy getting his teeth floated!

He took blood samples for running the Coggins test on everyone, gave vaccines and "floated" my horse's teeth.  In case you are unfamiliar with this procedure- the vet gives the horse a sedative and then takes this enormous rasp, called a dental float, and files off the sharp points.  Cheyenne is sooooo much happier with his new, not sharp teeth!  Dr. Mike uses a hand float, not an electric one, although I have just recently seen that in use at the horse clinic in Sandpoint, ID.

Here's some more action shots:

Don't I look more comfy in my Bogs and jeans?

As you can see, the snow is mostly gone!

Everybody is shedding out their winter coats right now. Hair is flying everywhere!














Hopefully we will get some riding in this weekend!







Of course, there are still sheep to be shorn, fences to repair, a checkbook that needs balancing and don't even talk to me about house work!  It is becoming the time of year that house work is more easily ignored (as if I am totally into it at other times... not.so.much.)

I hope all of you are enjoying your Springtime-  I know I can't wait for the warm, dry days of summer!!!

The Key to Life

Ha Ha!  Now I have your attention!

I had an epiphany today.  Okay, not really an epiphany since that implies a sudden realization.  This is something that has been bubbling up over the last few years.  It is the key to life and like most profound realizations, it is simple.

Simple but not easy.

Balance. 

That's it. Balance is the key to life. 

I guess the epiphany part is that this word keeps popping up recently.  I have been reading a lot about horsemanship, so of course there is the balance that comes with that- physical balance for you and your horse so that you can both work to your potential.  Mental balance, so that you don't ask too much too soon.  Emotional balance so that when you do ask for a stretch, nobody panics.

Honestly, if you spend any time around horses you know that what you learn about interacting with them correlates directly with interacting with people.

• Ask for what you want, don't assume.  
• Be present.  
• Be honest, but be kind.  
• Be patient.  
• Praise often and lavishly.
• Be persistent, but don't nag.  This is only possible if you are clear about what result you want.

Down boy.  Good boy!!

 But, back to balance.  If you think about your position in life as a pendulum, balance is pretty easy to imagine.  If you find yourself too far to the left, you might pull back too far to the right before you find your sweet spot.  It comes up for me with the kids at the school where I work.  They often complain about the "too strict rules" and dress code.  I try and explain that it is all about helping them find their balance.  We pull them pretty far in the opposite direction from where they were and then they are more able to see their balance point.  When you get stuck in your one, "I'm right, I have the corner market on the truth" viewpoint, you become unbalanced.  Dare I say dogmatic?

We have a lot of stuff to balance in life. Work vs. play. Together time vs. alone time. Activity vs. rest. Sometimes we purposely let our balance lean more one way than the other.  Sometimes it leans without us noticing until we feel oddly unsettled, crabby, not quite right.  Then our task is to re-assess and re-balance.

Another big key is to remember: your balance is not the same as anyone else's.  This can be a source of frustration, especially if your beloved one is highly social and you are a hermit, anti-social, less social.  This is where it becomes important to use your horse skills: Ask for what you want.  No one around you is a mind reader and it is likely that their comfort zone/ balance in a particular activity is different than yours.  and guess what?  Balance comes into play here as well. You have to figure out your balance between

 staying with the old (comfort/stagnation)

and trying new stuff (growth/discomfort) 

Don't you love it?  I do!

 Your balance will change throughout your life.  Remember when the most important thing in the world was your (insert favorite childhood possession of your choice) stuffed giraffe?  How you thought the world would end when its eye fell off?  or you left it at some theme park?  Remember your first boyfriend/girlfriend? How you thought this is the only one for me. The first place you really loved living? (This is the only place for me)  I have found in my life that any time I use the word Never (as in I will never move from here, I will never love another stuffy) my balance point is close to shifting.  It's my way of trying to hold on to the comfort zone. And the universe's way of nudging me along.

So, as you negotiate this wonderful crazy thing we call life, remember your balance.  Cesar Milan likes a balanced pack,  I like a balanced life.  How about you?

how about some photos?

Smokey, aka Cutest Cat in the World with his mouse toy

So in looking back through here recently it seems too text dense!  Here are some photos that I never posted:

At the Hitchin' Post

These are the boys, getting ready to pick up the elk that Brian got, the day before end of season this year!  You can see they are very excited to be put to work.

Here they are- Mule loaded up and ready to roll. (figuratively, not literally)

Um... the coat makes me appear a bit larger than life, Really.

 These two were taken in our back field, just as we were approaching the final stretch.  These were taken after Episode One, in which the mule broke loose from us, bucking and running, managed to dump EVERY bit of meat out of his packs and get his pack saddle wedged under his tummy.  Luckily, he is not a dumb mule and stopped at the gate for our assistance.  We obliged by re-loading everything back on him...

Ahhh, the drafties...

These sweetie-pies helped my husband move this ENORMOUS tree that had fallen and blocked our road.  Brian cut it enough to move it and they first dragged it into the front field.

Then, since there was still not much snow on Thanksgiving weekend, Brian hooked them up to the logging arch he constructed and they hauled it out to the burn pile.

Good boys!

 And these last ones are for anyone that is feeling like the snow should go away, or anyone in a warmer clime that might be gloating about how pretty it is where they are:

Pink sunrise, from our front deck

Photos can't really capture how surreal and beautiful this was

Ice fog tree

Well, Lisa and I are making soap tomorrow- Hurray!  I'll let you know how it goes and I also have some handspun to show off!!

Happy Valentine's day!

Winter- weather we like it or not!

Winter weather.  Ho hum.  I usually love the first snow storm, but I usually love it more when it happens in December...

Here's our forecast, courtesy of NOAA

Snow, snow, snow, snow and snow! Oh yes, and "Wintry Mix" whatever that is (I am guessing it is not like Chex mix.)


Anyway, even though it has been cold (14 degrees when I walked to work this morning!) it has been supremely beautiful.  When I walked through the field this morning, it was like walking through a field of beautiful, sparkly diamonds.  And then, a little tiny breeze came up and the diamonds turned into sparkle lights... I was a little late to work (imagine that!)

This photo doesn't do it justice- Sparkle lights!!!

 And walking through the field is so enjoyable due to this:

Beautifully mowed path

My husband spent last Thursday (pre-snow) harnessing horses, hooking up the sickle bar mower, mowing this path and then raking it with the side delivery rake (which decomposed during the job and had to be repaired- ho hum, the perils of junk equipment).  I feel very well loved :)

The bison like it as well- they have made it their main thoroughfare.

Next up- Crochet projects!

The "Bob" Part 2

Water crossing/Drink break- the horses and mule are pretty good at crossing water.  Although Sapphire (the black and white paint in the lead) is kind of a stream hog when he is thirsty!

Lest you think we spent our whole trip lounging around camp, here are some highlights of the actually riding.

This is a pretty typical view for me on a pack trip.  I bring up the rear, give updates on the state of Mule's packs, and generally lolly gag around.  Brian, on the other hand, is in charge of navigation, addressing potential disasters on the trail (think back packers, bicyclists, moths, other things that might potentially eat a horse- never mind bears) and handling the mule.  It can get a little dusty in the back, but I am not one to complain!

The long and dusty trail.

Pretty sure this is Big Prairie... especially because of, well, the big prairie.

Lots of water crossings.

Of course there are times when I can trot up next to Brian:

And times when I can't (or won't!):

This is probably one of our least favorite trail features. Sheer cliff on the left, steep face on the right and footing that is, shall we say, less than perfect...

This was also very steep, but with good footing.  See how it was a little windy up here?

And this is a pretty typical view from the front:

Ears and trail...

A little bit different water crossing.

Pack Bridge at Big Prairie

 My husband jokingly asked me if I would like to lead Mule across this bridge.  Last year on our Bob trip, I wanted to lead Mule.  We did great until we stopped at the foot of a similar bridge to read a sign.  When it was time to go again, I did not pay attention to where the lead rope went.  Well, it went right up the back of my horse's legs and under his tail.  Suffice it to say,  my horse was not at all happy about that.  Some bucking and tearing around ensued, I ended up on the ground and my horse's hoof (complete with metal shoe) connected with my skull.  Minor concussion aside, it was still an awesome trip.  But, I did decline to lead Mule this time...

So, this bridge might not look all that impressive, after all it is no Golden Gate.  But, bear in mind that no motorized vehicles are allowed in the wilderness.  Every stick of wood, bolt, cable, everything... was brought in by pack animals. It's starting to look a little more impressive, isn't it?

The quick summary of camps:

Thursday: Trailhead (we covered this in The "Bob" Part 1)

Friday: What we have named "Ice Box Camp", near the top of Hahn Pass- it was mighty cold that night:

Frozen water bucket

But, lots of grass!

Saturday: Big Prairie.  As ridiculous as it seems, and quite accidentally, we camped in the exact same spot that we camped in 2 or 3 years ago when we rode through here!

Yeah... that's me, being campy.

And even though, we were miles from any road, there is this:

and this.  People get to live here during the summer!! Doesn't that sound awesome?

And this.  although we did not see the draft horses that would pull it...

 Sunday: Danaher Meadows.  We intentionally camped in the same spot this year as we have in the past, because, although there is a lotta, lotta grass here, water is a little harder to find.  Unless you want to camp in the swamp, which was not on our agenda...

Our view from our campsite.

 This is where we heard the wolves howling. and where the big herd of mules appeared outside our tent in the middle of the night. Coincidence?  I don't think so.  The mules actually disturbed me more than the wolves- my horse LOVES mules.  He has jumped out of the electric corral to meet up with them before, so taking no chances, we got up early to saddle up and ride!

Lunch break.  We only tie to trees for short periods, when we are right there to watch everyone.

This was (another) Big, Long day.  I think we did 26 miles this day, part of it over an enormous pass!
The Hoadley/Stadler pass went on forever...

Top of the pass.

Then, going down the other side!

 At the bottom, we stopped at this forest service cabin for a break.

Glad to have a break.

This is another typical scene: my horse stands patiently, while I root around in every pocket, every bag to find something I most likely left at the trailer...

Monday: Back at the trailhead.  So happy to be back at the trailer (no tent to set up), with a wooden corral (no electric corral to set up) and a truck to take us to dinner (no sausage, cheese and crackers for dinner!). As you can imagine, we slept well that night!!

Well that's about it. Already have our trip planned for 2012!  and hopefully another trip to Wyoming (think Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...)

I hope you enjoyed this trip summary.  I have another tale to tell, but it is from home base (and involves some pretty happy sheep!!)

Happy Indian Summer.